Controversial: To Spank or Not to Spank by Matt "Coach" Furey
Note: I would respectfully like to thank Matt Furey
for giving his permission for me to post this article
from his newsletter, which I thankfully received
from a close friend. I believe there is an opportunity
to learn from this post. Please check out his website
- www.mattfurey.com - I am very much looking
forward to reading more of Matt's wisdom, especially
on this subject. His post begins below.
Over the past two weeks I've been listening to accusations of
child abuse involving NFL running back Adrian Peterson
and his four-year old son.
The allegations go way beyond a slap or swat on the
rumpus. Word is that the boy sustained welts and
bruises all over his body. Some of the wounds supposedly
drew blood.
Last Wednesday, whilst driving to practice Tai Chi, I turned on
the radio and instead of music, I listened to a call-in
show. Guess what the topic of conversation was?
"Should you spank your child and if you do, when does
a spanking cross the line and equal abuse?"
Both men and women rang the station. The announcer
himself talked about how he got beat regularly by his
parents - and even told how he doesn't just threaten
his children with "the belt" - because threats aren't
sufficient.
Yep, at times he takes off the belt and gives his children
an unspecified number of lashes.
Although i was only listening for about 40 minutes, I
didn't hear a single parent say that spanking your child
is wrong under any and all circumstances.
Neither will I.
But what I will say is what was taught to me long ago
by an Aikido martial arts master.
To paraphrase the story:
One day an Aikido master saw a father angrily beating
his child. As he hit the boy, the father yelled and screamed.
The master interrupted the scene and pulled the boy's
father to the side. In typical Zen fashion, he did NOT
condemn the father for his actions. Instead, he gave him
another way of experiencing life with his son.
"You can hit your son anytime you want," said the Aikido
master. "But ONLY under one condition."
"What's the condition?" the man asked.
"When you hit him, you cannot do so with anger. You can
only spank him if you feel love in your heart for your child."
The next time the boy stepped out of line, the father
remembered the master's advice. Instead of hitting
him, he rid himself of the anger and replaced it with
love."
Surprisingly, after doing this, he felt no need to hit his
son. He spoke to him instead - taking his time to teach
him right from wrong.
The father did not hit his son that day. Or any other day
thereafter.
Why?
Because it is almost impossible to hit or spank a child
when you are not angry with him. If you take the time to
clear your anger and replace it with love, chances are
you'll rethink how you handle your interaction with your
child.
Now, you might think the above is "just a story."
It's not. It's real life.
There are many parents who actually believe if they don't hit
their child, the child will NOT respect them. Or obey.
Really?
There are many ways to win the respect and obedience of
your children without spanking them. And no, I'm not talking
about "timeouts."
I'm talking about challenging them in a physical way that
highlights "who's the boss" without hurting anyone.
For example, is it plausible that Adrian Peterson could
lightly wrestle with his son to get the point across?
Come here, son. You don't want to listen? Okay, let's
wrestle for a few minutes and if you can beat me, then
you call the shots.
I'm betting that it would be a great match. Adrian's son
would squirm and maneuver with all his might - yet be
controlled with light pressure. I'm also willing to bet the
match would end with laughter and a very different level
of respect.
No belts necessary. No switches. No punches, hits or
slaps.
Just the tentacles of a giant human octopus (that's what he'll
feel like to his son).
Yes, I realize a lot of parents think they aren't physically fit
enough to wrestle with their children. But an NFL football
player does fit the mould of someone who can.
Controlling your child with the least amount of force necessary
makes a lot more sense than whacking him with your fist - or
hitting him with a belt or switch.
As I've observed, parents who feel they must spank their children,
rarely make a lasting impression. That's why so many of them feel
the need to spank their children so often.
Having a heart-to-heart with your child may not feel very easy for
you. Using a belt or switch might seem like it's much faster, quicker
and easier.
As a parent, I can tell you that the word is mightier than the belt.
Your children will remember your words and use them to make
themselves better, if you choose them wisely.
About all they'll remember from the beatings is the desire to
"pass it on."
Here endeth today's lesson.
Yours,
Matt "Coach" Furey
P.S. T heatre of the Mind is filled with many stories and examples
to help any parent become better than his or her parents ever
thought of being. Grab your copy NOW for $40 off the normal
retail amount.
Copyright, 2014, Matt Furey Enterprises, Inc. and the Psycho-Cybernetics Foundation, Inc. All rights reserved. Reproduction of any portion of this email is strictly prohibited without the express written consent of Matt Furey Enterprises, Inc. and/or the Psycho- Cybernetics Foundation, Inc. I may be compensated for any link you click in this email. Matt Furey Enterprises, Inc. Psycho-Cybernetics, LLC 10339 Birdwatch Drive Tampa, Florida, 33647, USA 813 994 8267 Phone 813 994 4947 FAX email: matt@mattfurey.com
Note: I would respectfully like to thank Matt Furey
for giving his permission for me to post this article
from his newsletter, which I thankfully received
from a close friend. I believe there is an opportunity
to learn from this post. Please check out his website
- www.mattfurey.com - I am very much looking
forward to reading more of Matt's wisdom, especially
on this subject. His post begins below.
Over the past two weeks I've been listening to accusations of
child abuse involving NFL running back Adrian Peterson
and his four-year old son.
The allegations go way beyond a slap or swat on the
rumpus. Word is that the boy sustained welts and
bruises all over his body. Some of the wounds supposedly
drew blood.
Last Wednesday, whilst driving to practice Tai Chi, I turned on
the radio and instead of music, I listened to a call-in
show. Guess what the topic of conversation was?
"Should you spank your child and if you do, when does
a spanking cross the line and equal abuse?"
Both men and women rang the station. The announcer
himself talked about how he got beat regularly by his
parents - and even told how he doesn't just threaten
his children with "the belt" - because threats aren't
sufficient.
Yep, at times he takes off the belt and gives his children
an unspecified number of lashes.
Although i was only listening for about 40 minutes, I
didn't hear a single parent say that spanking your child
is wrong under any and all circumstances.
Neither will I.
But what I will say is what was taught to me long ago
by an Aikido martial arts master.
To paraphrase the story:
One day an Aikido master saw a father angrily beating
his child. As he hit the boy, the father yelled and screamed.
The master interrupted the scene and pulled the boy's
father to the side. In typical Zen fashion, he did NOT
condemn the father for his actions. Instead, he gave him
another way of experiencing life with his son.
"You can hit your son anytime you want," said the Aikido
master. "But ONLY under one condition."
"What's the condition?" the man asked.
"When you hit him, you cannot do so with anger. You can
only spank him if you feel love in your heart for your child."
The next time the boy stepped out of line, the father
remembered the master's advice. Instead of hitting
him, he rid himself of the anger and replaced it with
love."
Surprisingly, after doing this, he felt no need to hit his
son. He spoke to him instead - taking his time to teach
him right from wrong.
The father did not hit his son that day. Or any other day
thereafter.
Why?
Because it is almost impossible to hit or spank a child
when you are not angry with him. If you take the time to
clear your anger and replace it with love, chances are
you'll rethink how you handle your interaction with your
child.
Now, you might think the above is "just a story."
It's not. It's real life.
There are many parents who actually believe if they don't hit
their child, the child will NOT respect them. Or obey.
Really?
There are many ways to win the respect and obedience of
your children without spanking them. And no, I'm not talking
about "timeouts."
I'm talking about challenging them in a physical way that
highlights "who's the boss" without hurting anyone.
For example, is it plausible that Adrian Peterson could
lightly wrestle with his son to get the point across?
Come here, son. You don't want to listen? Okay, let's
wrestle for a few minutes and if you can beat me, then
you call the shots.
I'm betting that it would be a great match. Adrian's son
would squirm and maneuver with all his might - yet be
controlled with light pressure. I'm also willing to bet the
match would end with laughter and a very different level
of respect.
No belts necessary. No switches. No punches, hits or
slaps.
Just the tentacles of a giant human octopus (that's what he'll
feel like to his son).
Yes, I realize a lot of parents think they aren't physically fit
enough to wrestle with their children. But an NFL football
player does fit the mould of someone who can.
Controlling your child with the least amount of force necessary
makes a lot more sense than whacking him with your fist - or
hitting him with a belt or switch.
As I've observed, parents who feel they must spank their children,
rarely make a lasting impression. That's why so many of them feel
the need to spank their children so often.
Having a heart-to-heart with your child may not feel very easy for
you. Using a belt or switch might seem like it's much faster, quicker
and easier.
As a parent, I can tell you that the word is mightier than the belt.
Your children will remember your words and use them to make
themselves better, if you choose them wisely.
About all they'll remember from the beatings is the desire to
"pass it on."
Here endeth today's lesson.
Yours,
Matt "Coach" Furey
P.S. T heatre of the Mind is filled with many stories and examples
to help any parent become better than his or her parents ever
thought of being. Grab your copy NOW for $40 off the normal
retail amount.
Copyright, 2014, Matt Furey Enterprises, Inc. and the Psycho-Cybernetics Foundation, Inc. All rights reserved. Reproduction of any portion of this email is strictly prohibited without the express written consent of Matt Furey Enterprises, Inc. and/or the Psycho- Cybernetics Foundation, Inc. I may be compensated for any link you click in this email. Matt Furey Enterprises, Inc. Psycho-Cybernetics, LLC 10339 Birdwatch Drive Tampa, Florida, 33647, USA 813 994 8267 Phone 813 994 4947 FAX email: matt@mattfurey.com
1 comment:
As much as I "agree" this would work for humble open minded parents,as you know,as we've all discussed in thread after thread, has been testified by MOST Christians I hear- they DO get themselves "calm" first. Then still are ingrained to think the spanking is coming from "love".... I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. I'm glad to hear someone going beneath the surface at least SOME....this wouldn't have worked with my parents (who were abused and widely over the top in their control due to their own pasts),and wouldn't have worked with my husband's parents who were quite peaceful parents but believed this must be
done because the original "offence" HAPPENED. I have come to think that all spankings....even if the parent has calmed themselves and doesn't even WANT to follow this through, will do so. Since the "in the moment" anger is immediately present,when the undesirable
behavior happenes, it's STILL a choice made as a direct result of that anger....while the parent got to remove themselves and calm down, the child got no such opportunity. Their FIRST punishment was being filled with dread. THEN,if the adult was mindful and knew another way, it'd be a step forward if they'd choose reconnection with their child (I know you understand much of this much better than me but this is simply my reaction) if the parent believes in "loving spankings" this will simply reinforce that original assertion. It will cause some who's grip on this practice may have loosened, to dig in their heels once again "AHA, it IS ok because I've been TOLD it MEANS love!" This kind of rubbed me the wrong way just knowing this information would be further justification and would have caused even more damage in my own family.I think this is a better response, for those who understand the risk of very real damage they are trying to eliminate from their lives (or have abandoned-we know it's wrong and this it something I can grasp)
But for the typical pro-spanker it wouldn't phase them... (I may not be seeing what you are in this so feel free to help me) let me know if what I've said makes sense! It'd be a different world if spanking parents took such a story and it changed their approach to discipline. As we know it's nearly in their blood to file this into "what they want to hear" because spanking children is nearly a religion to many who don't even claim a faith....I DO like this author though, and I like thinking these things through and seeing what COULD help a person on the
fence in regards to corporal punishment:-) Becky Tucker
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