A Christian Father of Four Shares His Journey Towards Gentle Parenting
A Guest Post From SR
Sam,
I would like to write to you about some of the experiences we have had in our no-spanking journey from a father/husband perspective. My wife often comes up with crazy ideas. Sometimes this manifests itself in something like “Cabbage Casserole” (not a good idea). At other times her ideas kind of work out (owning rent houses). So when she approached me with this crazy idea about not spanking, I wasn’t surprised. She does this kind of thing to me a lot. I understood the various sociological arguments against it, and I viewed people who espoused them as liberals whose kids probably ran wild in Wal-Mart. I used to be a school teacher and bragged about how I could tell which of my students had parents who spanked. In reality, probably most of their parents spanked. It wasn’t spanking that made the difference. In fact, the more spankings, the worse behavior. What mattered to me was not what some sociologist or psychologist said. What mattered was that the Bible told us to spank. I figured we would talk it through and I would defend the biblical position. In my mind, if God said it, it was true (“Romans 3:4 “let God be found true, though every man be found a liar”). I wasn’t expecting what she hit me with. Every biblical argument I offered, she countered. “Spare the rod…” struck down. “God disciplines the child he loves….” Doesn’t work! “God punishes us…” Won’t hold water. I was losing the argument, badly.
She led me to your book (get it free here - http://www.biblechild.com/assets/thy-rod-and-thy-staff-they-comfort-me-mar-2013.pdf) so I could read and research it myself. I was shocked (but less so since she already defeated my arguments). All those years I thought I saw something in the Bible that wasn’t there. It was a big spanking mirage! I had read into the text experiences and ideas from my own family, culture, and past. If I had been completely table rasa, I would have realized that the word “spank” was nowhere in the Bible. The concept of discipline was there, but I had substituted “spanking” and even “punishment” in its place. I had to realize that “discipline” does not inherently include a form of punishment. Indeed, punishment is a pretty low level of motivation. I was convinced, so we changed and decided to stop spanking. We became gentle-parenting parents.
Since those early days (almost two years ago), we have done pretty well. I have reverted back a couple of times, but to my shame, I admit it was when I was tired or stressed. It was not a matter of doing what is best for the kids. It was me trying to get what I wanted right now because I didn’t feel I had the emotional storehouse to get through another fit-throwing episode. Instead of digging deep and being the adult I should be, I tried to manipulate through fear and pain. I hate even writing these words. Even more of an issue for me today is the struggle with verbal spankings. I don’t physically strike my children, but sometimes I use harsh rebukes in their place, possibly causing more damage. I’m a work in progress.
I am the father of four little boys (ages 3-9). I know about movement, fights, throwing things, breaking things, punches, etc. If people think that non-violent parenting only works on quiet little girls, let me beg to differ. My boys have changed so much since we have ceased spanking. They get along better with each other and other kids. They are more affectionate toward my wife and me. They throw fewer fits. But most amazing is this calmness they have. There is now an inner peace I see in their eyes and in their movements. It is hard to explain, but I see it in them and I see it absent in children whose parents spank. I don’t know if it is a freedom from fear of being hurt by their parents or if it is a reflection of the calmness my wife and I now have as well. Either way, it is the biggest plus I have seen since we changed.
In case you publish this, I want to give a little advice to wives who might be struggling with their husbands joining in the non-spanking journey. This is not easy for men. Men are taught to be tough and in control, so sitting back and talking gently to your screaming child while all of the restaurant looks on is difficult. We all know what they’re thinking: “If that were my child….” As men, we feel special pressure to appear in control and powerful. This comes out in the form of aggression and often physical punishment. We might be tempted to yank them up out of their seat and march them to somewhere where we can at the least rebuke sharply and at the most spank them in anger. This is the natural approach. It is not right, but it is what we have to overcome. I would suggest that in such circumstances that you, the mother/wife, go ahead and remove the child from the circumstances till the child calms down (and so does Dad). This usually only takes a couple of minutes, but that is all that is needed. People seeing you whisk away your screaming child and coming back with a calm child will probably think you spanked him, but you will know the truth. Besides, it’s none of their business.
Second, to admit that spanking is wrong is to admit our parents (who spanked us) were wrong. For some people, this can be a difficult admission. Be patient with him and don’t point out that his parents were wrong. You might mention how amazing the journey of life is and how much we learn along the way. Then leave it. Eventually, you or he might be tempted to convince his or your parents about how spanking is bad, but unless your parents actually spank your children, it might not be the best choice of battles. They are not in a position to spank, so why start a possible fight and power struggle.
Last, men are not always very good students or communicators. You know this. If you will provide the material for him to read and study and just let it go, you will find better results. He is probably not going to listen to you or your logic and explanation. Leave him the materials (written by Samuel and others) so he can “discover” this information for himself. It also takes men time to process things after we mull them over in our minds for a while. Do not bother him during this process that might take months. He needs time to gather his thoughts, and you asking him what he thinks or if he read the material yet, just makes him want to reject it even more. Give him the materials, and then give him time and space. He will bring it up when he’s ready.
Sorry for such a long letter. I just wanted to share some of my thoughts and hopefully help some others in the process. Please feel free to use this as you see best.
God bless you in your work,
SR
Note: This text is has not been edited by myself in any way other than adjusting the formatting of the paragraphs.
Samuel Martin
PS. I pray that this post blessed you. Read more on my blog and my Facebook page and download my free ebook.
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Samuel Martin
PS. I pray that this post blessed you. Read more on my blog and my Facebook page and download my free ebook.
Please visit my Facebook page at: www.facebook.com/byblechyld
